It is a slow news week for politics, so Dr. Stones pulled out the “little smart pill machine” to look into the year to come:
Jan. 3, 2008: In a stunning upset, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee wins the Iowa Caucus. He announces “ultramarathoner” Dean Karnazes as his running mate, “not that being a running mate is like a gay thing or anything.”
Jan. 7: The Oklahoma Sooners defeat the Georgia Bulldogs to win the Sugar Bowl. Every other top-ranked program collapsed during the November stretch run.
Jan. 15: Coach Mike Gundy is fired from Oklahoma State University and turns back into a wooden puppet.
Jan. 22: Mitt Romney wins the New Hampshire primary on the basis of write-in ballots from vacationing skiers.
Feb. 5: Fred Thompson (doink-doink!) wins Oklahoma’s GOP primary even though he already has quit the race. The Oklahoma Democratic primary is won by William H. “Alfalfa Bill” Murray, who died in 1956. His delegates subsequently vote for Harrison Ford.
Feb. 12: John Edwards loses the Virginia primary; he announces his withdrawal from the race to play Jack Tripper in the Broadway revival of “Three’s Company.”
March 15: Gov. Brad Henry leaves for Mexico on Spring Break.
April 16: Kevin Ogle is felled by a wind gust. Henry (by phone) declares Mike Morgan’s mussed hair to be a disaster area and requests federal assistance. The Federal Emergency Management Agency holds a fake press conference.
May 1: Al Gore, recently signed by the Boston Red Sox, throws a two-hitter across seven innings for his first Major League win. He immediately is elected to the National Baseball Hall of Fame for his contributions to the sport.
May 2: The Oklahoma Legislature bans maypole dancing and demands the arrest of all dancers at the Norman Medieval Fair.
June 4: Republicans win control of the state Senate when no Democrats file for election.
June 17: High gas prices and a lack of available labor drive all Cleveland County lawn services out of business.
July 6: Barry Bonds hits his 800th home run. No one notices.
July 29: Andrew Rice wins the Democratic primary. Sen. James Inhofe is seen uncrating bug zappers for a fall advertising campaign.
Aug. 28: Gas hits $6.50 a gallon. Toby Keith signs a deal to endorse a “kick-ass” hybrid minivan.
Aug. 29: Authorities announce no success in the search for missing Rep. Randy Terrill. Last seen campaigning in a west Norman neighborhood, Terrill became lost in the high grass of a constituent’s overgrown lawn.
Sept. 4: Romney, after a spirited floor fight, loses the Republican National Convention nomination for president to Rudy Giuliani. Romney’s body is returned to the Walt Disney World “Hall of Presidents.”
Sept. 11: The wings fall off of Inhofe’s airplane on approach to Wiley Post Airport. Inhofe blames al-Qaida and Gore.
Oct. 22: Rice calls Inhofe a “meany” during debate. Rice is seen to frown for the first time, thereby dispelling Botox rumors.
Nov. 7: Presidential election outcome is in question when voting machines in Florida fail to return reliable results. Hillary Clinton leads the popular vote by 14 but trails in the Electoral College.
Nov. 8: Oklahoma, despite being landlocked, secedes from the union because “this thing just isn’t working anymore” and petitions for admission to the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries. Henry returns from Mexico, but is refused admission to the state because he doesn’t have a visa.
Gaddie is professor of political science at the University of Oklahoma and president of the Southwestern Political Science Association.