I have not learned a new thing in this presidential campaign season since the beginning of the year. As a white, Southern male with a college degree (the new swing vote), there are some things guys from my demographic know. So here’s a little quiz for political contenders:True or False: I have a roll of duct tape in my vehicle. Wake Forest University is located in: A. Illinois; B. West Virginia; or C. North Carolina. I own ________ power tools (Note: An iPod is not a power tool). A condom costs _______ at Walgreens (Note: No asking Bill). When drinking Crown Royal Canadian Whisky (Motto: “It’s about quality, not quantity”) you: A. Mix it with Royal Crown Cola to make a RCCR; B. Shoot it fast; C. Sip it; or D. Ask for discount prescription drugs, too. True or False: The actual dimensions of a two-by-four timber are 2 inches by 4 inches. True or False: I have changed my own oil. An omelet: A. Should be eaten with feta cheese, and possibly shiitake mushrooms; B. I don’t eat omelets; C. “Omelet” sounds like the name of a low-power, high-mileage subcompact car from France; D. Both “B” and “C.” True or False: Polar bear flatulence causes global warming. True or False: When 54 percent of men vote against a woman candidate, that is sexism, but when 91 percent of black voters vote for a black candidate, race isn’t a factor. True or False: You get out of a spin by turning into it (Note: This is not a metaphor). A dictator with delusions of grandeur tries to kill your father. You: A. Bribe his inner circle with $1 billion to kill him and get discount oil; B. Invade his country and spend $1 trillion to reconstruct the country and destroy oil production infrastructure; or C. Shoot a cruise missile into his country and hit a camel in the ass, then go look for an intern to celebrate. True or False: Citing an opposing party’s expert is convincing. When backing up a trailer, your arm should be situated on the wheel at: A. 6 o’clock; B. 12 o’clock; C. 10, 2 and 4 if you’re holding a Dr. Pepper; D. Bomb the trailer. The first thing you do when cleaning a rifle is: A. Remove the bolt and insert a bore guide; B. Make sure it is unloaded; or C. Call Merry Maids. Your radiator hose springs a leak. You: A. Call the auto club; B. Wait for the engine to cool and wrap the leaking hose with duct tape; or C. The engine explodes and you blame terrorists. True or False: Vaseline smeared on a cotton ball is a surefire campfire starter. If you had a trillion dollars, what would you do with it? I would: A. Fix Social Security and date interns; B. Invade a country where the dictator tried to kill my father; or C. T-bills, Powerball and a Denali crew cab with 20-inch rims.
If you need an answer key, you’re not a swing voter.
Gaddie is a professor of political science at the University of Oklahoma.