If you want to see a bad horror film starring three pro wrestlers, check out “River of Darkness.” Just don’t say you weren’t warned.
Kurt Angle rules the roost — being a small, riverside town — as Will, a sheriff who likes turtle soup. His town is as sleepy as he is bald, until a few people are found murdered, with “HIX” carved crudely into their bodies. It’s the work not of Harvey Hix (Bill Hinzman, still coasting off his “Night of the Living Dead” fame), but brothers Jonah, Jayden and Joseph Jacobs, who have risen from the dead for revenge on Hix for killing them. (Psycho Sid Vicious and Kevin Nash portray the first two sibs in that trio of terror.)
With glowing eyes and sharp implements in hand, the brothers Jacobs collectively make a sudden appearance in the fog with that reminded me of, well, “The Fog.” Their hobo-mullet reign of blood prompts the visit of three “paranormal researchers,” which is a fancy way of saying “attractive college kids.” One of them had to be hired just for her resemblance to tabloid fixture Kendra Wilkinson.
“Paranormal researchers,” says the black gas station attendant, who’s the best part of the movie, “there goes the neighborhood.”
But even the co-eds can’t make the movie interesting. The script is so by-the-numbers that it barely goes from 1 to 3, and amateur acting abounds. Poor Angle, who makes Dwayne Johnson look like Sir Laurence Olivier, tries his best to emote while spitting lines like “What the hell was Harvey Hix doing floating in that dinghy?”
I can’t recommend that horror fans swim down this “River.” This soggy effort will be of interest to wrasslin’ fans only. —Rod Lott