Your brain will function as it would if you’d been the guest of honor at the Zombie Family picnic last weekend.
In this version — make that “perversion” — of the old fairy tale, Red’s name is actually Valerie (Amanda Seyfried, “Letters to Juliet”), which I’m sure was common in medieval Germany. Her village on the edge of the Black Forest has been plagued by a werewolf for three generations, and no one has been bright enough to check on the whereabouts of the villagers on full-moon nights.
But more urgent than the fact that her sister has just become wolfie chow, Valerie has been promised in marriage to Henry (Max Irons, “Dorian Gray”) while she is really in love with Peter (Shiloh Fernandez, “Cadillac Records”), much to the annoyance of her father, Cesaire (Billy Burke, “Drive Angry”).
I’ve never seen Gary Oldman more bored.
That’s right: This is a paranormal romance, the freakazoid love child of Stephen King and Stephenie Meyer. The picture is directed by Catherine Hardwicke, she who was fired after misdirecting the first “Twilight.” The hunky leads have that Robert Pattinson thing going, while old pros Gary Oldman and Julie Christie tag along to provide the ham, sliced extra thick, especially Christie as Grandmother. I’ve never seen Oldman more bored during a movie. Hey, Gary, me, too.
Believe me: This one’s not badfunny as much as it is bad-irritating.
Or just bad.