That moment occurs when lead character Helen (Tania Raymonde, TV’s “Lost”) begins to masturbate in the kitchen with a carrot before giving up in frustration. The second she leaves it carelessly on the counter, you just know her single dad (Rob Schneider, “Grown Ups”) is going to eat it. Cut to: He’s making a salad!
That’s not even the biggest gross-out of the
phlegm film. That honor goes to the scene of guys unwittingly drinking punch with “ice” made not from water, but ejaculate.
Don’t ask. Hell, don’t watch.
In a movie so misery-making for the audience that it’ll make you weep on the inside for today’s youth, Helen and her friends — played by celebrity daughter Rumer Willis (“The House Bunny”) and reality-show “star” Kristin Cavallari (MTV’s “The Hills”) — discover that the high-school myth of the “bang book” is actually true. It’s a tome passed down for generations of jocks, containing names of all the girls who are virgins. Each football teammate — including Oklahoma’s own Ryan Merriman (“Final Destination 3″) — is assigned a cherry to smash. It reeks of rape via trickery.
When the girls get wind of it, because they’re on this year’s list of targets, they get revenge, via methods that require more suspension of disbelief than viewers will be willing to give. It doesn’t earn it, either — not when it delights in such lowest-common-denominator scenes as the dreaded “dancing in various outfits in front of the mirror” montage.
Raymonde has kind of a goofy, Anne Hathaway thing going for her, but also a deer-in-the-headlights vibe when it comes to dialogue. There may be a good message buried beneath all its layers of trash, but you wouldn’t want your tweens to dig through such utter stupidity to find it. And to think that this is directed by a woman (Dana Lustig); it’s so inane and without substance, I’d have guessed a dude. —Rod Lott