However, it takes literally 32 minutes for anything of significance to happen. Until then, it’s just a bunch of disembodied voices, belonging to faces you mostly don’t see, talking about the importance of gloves and masks like they’re stockers at Party Galaxy on the last week leading up to Halloween, as they amble about empty hallways and corridors.
Finally, Something Happens, but seriously, why does the black guy have to go first in these things? This isn’t 1983 anymore.
That’s not the only cliché in which newbie writer/director Stephen J. Hadden engages. Witness lines like “I’m not gonna lose a man on my patrol!” and the old-as-the-hills “There’s something out there.”
Yes, there’s a creature afoot, and he (it?) does the shaky-head thing like the bad guys in the “House on Haunted Hill” remake and so many horror films since. With 20-some-odd minutes to spare, “Bio-Dead” engages in a little “Hostel” behavior in a hostile environment — “Torture Table Designed & Built by David Novak,” read the end credits, which also stretch the story out beyond a hammer-to-head breaking point. We get it.
Since “Bio-Dead” leaves much to be desired, you can play a drinking game if you watch: Take a shot every time someone says “Jackson.” They use it as often as Tony Montana did “fuck” and variations thereof. Come to think of, this one also scores sky-high on the F-word factor.
In summary: “Bio-Dead” looks great, but isn’t good. Visually, it’s an admirable effort for what little they had, but ultimately much ado about nothing. —Rod Lott