Then, inexplicably, he’s warped from the “Time Beyond” to centuries ago, where he’s told by the king (Lochlyn Munro, “Daddy Day Camp”) to serve as the “Chosen One” and help his village battle the “Dark Ones.” Bearing a bejeweled crown atop a fright wig, Munro looks less like a king and more like a waiter at Medieval Times.
Bounding about in his winter scarf and sweater, Granger refuses the offer of a female bedmate for sex. He teaches them concepts like “reconnaissance” and “antibiotics.” He’s the perfect gentleman … well, except for kicking a chicken and making a gay joke.
The villagers utter awkwardly worded lines like “If we shall perish anon …” and “The cursed snake poxed the king’s troops” and “Best you leave the chicken-fingered wretch to her games in her tree.” Let’s put it this way: This flick ain’t no “Game of Thrones.”
But who would expect it to be? It’s from notorious director Uwe Boll (“BloodRayne,” “Alone in the Dark,” “Postal”), who, in often adapting second-tier video games for the big screen, has gained a reputation for being the Ed Wood of our time. Here, he’s following up his virtually unrelated 2007 original top-lined by Jason Statham. I haven’t seen that one, but I hope Statham was able to emerge unscathed and unembarrassed as his fellow “Expendable” has here.
Unlike the German filmmaker’s breakout work, 2003’s “House of the Dead,” this not-a-sequel sequel isn’t wretched or agonizing to sit through. Oh, it’s certainly dull for wide stretches, and silly the rest of the time, but stands as a sign that perhaps Boll is — gasp! — getting better. Perhaps the Mayans were on to something … —Rod Lott