Nude Nuns with Big Guns

Make that a sacrilegious twist. And as with the also new-to-DVD “Dead Hooker in a Trunk,” you need not proceed beyond reading the title.

On a smack trip after being beaten up within an inch of her life, nun Sister Sarah (Asun Ortega) awakens with new purpose: doing the Lord’s work. She already does, but now the job description has been revised to kill sinners. Now armed, the hobo nun with a shotgun takes aim and makes good on her mission of faith and fatalities.

If only it were fun. In spirit, “Nude Nuns” shares similarities with “Machete,” yet shy of any that get into quality and know-how. Director Joseph Guzman’s script (written with one Robert James Hayes II, to share the blame) is a nonsense mix of plot elements, but no plot; we have strip joints, a Catholic church fronting drugs, rape, an Antonio Banderas substitute (David Castro, “The Lincoln Lawyer“) and lots of lesbian lovin’. Guzman has shaken these and served.

Unfortunately, it’s as if he made cookies without butter and sugar: Looks fine, until you give it a try. For the bad taste the amateur recipe leaves, Guzman attempts to compensate by making the film so over-the-top, one can see the pole fall onto the mat. Woe be unto those easily placated by smash-cut editing.

Apparently, the flick began life as a short film — complete with fake film scratches in an attempt to relocate that lowbrow drive-in aesthetic — that’s included on the disc and clocks in a few seconds short of four minutes. Even that’s too much wasted time. —Rod Lott

Rod Lott

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