Rest of the Best of OKC 2012

See, shockingly, we didn’t have quite enough lists last week, despite running the gamut from Best Waiter or Waitress to Best Free Wi-Fi, so for the fourth year in a row, we’ve assembled some extras — the Rest of the Best of OKC, if you will. And you will.


Once more, we not-so-proudly present a handful of additional lists, in an attempt to satiate your need to have everything numbered in a nice, orderly fashion, but not limited to five slots.

As always, parental guidance is suggested.

16 Best Angry or Amusing Responses We Received in This Year’s Best of OKC Nominations

1. Best 5K Race: “Running is stupid. Stupid.”

2. Best Bartender: “You expect your average OKC citizen to know who any of these people are? Terrible categories!”

3. Best Dessert Menu: “Jeezus makes their chocolate cake. Seriously.”

4. Best DJ: “Seriously…Best DJ? Like I know the asshat who picks the music. Well, Johnny Tsunami has the name that most sounds like a cartoon, so he gets my vote.”

5. Best DJ: “Booo, go see a band not some fool playing records.”

6. Best European Restaurant: “Got food a friend and I both got food poisoning from [REDACTED], my first time there. We had corden bleu.”

7. Best Karaoke Bar: “There is glitter on the walls, people. Glitter on the walls.”

8. Best Local Politician: “I picked someone random because all politicians have no soul and are worthless pieces of dog feces.”

9. Best Lunch: “how can you beat an orgasm in your mouth. [REDACTED] for the win.”

10. Best Lunch: “[REDACTED] makes me poop.”

11. Best Place to Buy Sports Equipment: “The rest are d-bags”

12. Best Restaurant Downtown: “I loathe [REDACTED] with a passion greater than my ability to adequately articulate it.”

13. Best Restaurant Outside the Metro: “Fork? Plate? Boulevard Wheat? You must be from Edmond.”

14. Best Sign That OKC Still Has a Long Way to Go: “Who the fuck keeps voting for this wretched woman?”

15. Best Sign That OKC Still Has a Long Way to Go: “Be afraid of super powered gay terrorist.”

16. Best Restaurant More People Should Know About: “More fat people need to know about great burgers.”

It’s Back! Presenting the Rest of the Best of OKC’s Second Annual Local Theater Publicity Photo Awards!

BEST HAND GESTURE CHOREOGRAPHY: Dark Matters, Carpenter Square Theatre

BEST ANACHRONISM: The Three Musketeers, The Stage Door in Yukon

BEST VISUAL METAPHOR FOR MASTURBATION: Sing for Your Supper: A Rodgers and Hart Celebration, the University of Central Oklahoma’s Music Theatre Division in Edmond

BEST NIGHTMARE MATERIAL: The Velveteen Rabbit, The Stage Door in Yukon

5 Best Angry or Amusing
Responses We Received in This Year’s Best of OKC Nominations
Specifically About Wayne Coyne and/or The Flaming Lips

1. “You need a category for best local band not called The Flaming Lips.”

2. “Dr. Johnny Fever would hate teh Flaming Lips.”

3. “Can we just retire the Flaming Lips from this category?”

4. “Wayne
posts a bunch of annoying crap in between the few golden nuggets about
where to find Carlos, unless you like videos of him peeing somewhere.”

5. “Normally you have to pay for that kind of thing.”

1 Best Answer Left on 9 Categories Voted by bisonband@[REDACTED].com

1. “fuck that”

8 Best Lines from Some Out-There Letters to the Editor We’re Not Printing

1. “Since
the pharmaceutical industry has developed sexual enhancement drugs, our
men grow old and sick with sexually transmitted diseases. When men are
older and have less hormones driving them crazy, they have more time to
think, so they should be thinking with their brains, not their penises.
Down with penis worship!”

2. “I am wondering
if you would have any interest in publishing a serial story in your
paper, as in times long ago. I am a great creative writer! My goal is to
be paid for my talents. Excerpt: Chapter One ‘Miss Terri, did you hear
about the bones?’ Of course I did not  hear
about them. … However, I knew about the bones and had no doubt as to
precisely which bones had been at last discovered. … Her car was
yellow, like a bell pepper, not mustard. The car smelled like almonds.”

3. “Actor Ben Affleck is a benefit to mankind.”

4. “I
write Christian in sorta of a poem fashion. I live in a nursing home.
If there was some way to get them published and get some small royal off of — I could use it. Don’t cross me cause I am done won’t sue but no more — yes I am plain spoken. God is my Boss not man!! How do I sound?”

5. “In
2011 there were only six (6) Black elected officials and church leaders
in the whole State of Oklahoma that possess any self worth, any dignity
that they will not kneel down and suck the asses of white folks.”

6. “A
neighbor at the motel offered me money to lift up my shirt. Sorry to
disappoint you, but I accepted his money and lifted my shirt.”

7. “I have included a copy of my novel. Simply put, this book is the ‘drama of the year’ with the best ending of any book or movie the last 10 years. It’s unforgettable. There will be 25 ‘high quality books’ published over the next 12-15 years from my master list of 160 book ideas.”

8. “Aubrey McClendon used to mow our yard.”


Lou Berney’s 5 Best Reasons You Should Read His New Novel, Whiplash River

1. It has action, humor, romance, and one of the bad guys is a plus-sized Belizean drug lord named Baby Jesus.

2. I grew up in Oklahoma City and live here now. Support the hometown team!

3. Starred reviews from both Booklist and Publishers Weekly, with flattering comparisons to Elmore Leonard.

4. If you don’t, I will make you a character in my next novel and give you an unflattering paunch.

5. I guarantee it will make you happier, wealthier and less paunchy, or your money back (some restrictions apply).

4 Best Publicity Photos We Found When We Finally Cleaned Out That One File Cabinet

1. “Chicago Steve” Barkley

2. Raven, Psychic Hypnotist

3. Ponk Vonsydow

4. Richard De La Font

Brian Davis’ 5 Best Lines He Hasn’t Used Yet as Play-by-Play Announcer for the Thunder

1. “Some days you’re the windshield. Some days you’re the bug.”

2. “[Insert player name] racing down the floor like his head’s on fire and his tail’s catching!”

3. “I don’t think the Rhodes Scholarship committee would lose any sleep over this guy.”

4. “There’s fine wine, and there’s muscatel. The way this game’s going tonight? We’re drinking Muscatel.”

5. “Anybody know the Heimlich Maneuver? He swallowed the whistle so hard there, I think he might be choking.”


State Rep. Sally Kern
David Glover

OKG Deep Throat’s 5 Best Worst Bills from the State Legislature

Just what the heck is in that casserole? Sen. Ralph Shortey, R-Oklahoma
City, drew national headlines (and punch lines) when he sought a ban on
food that contains aborted human fetuses
. Alas, Senate Bill 1418
stalled, meaning those school cafeteria “mystery meat” lunches remain as
perilous as ever.

Evolution and climate change may rival homosexuality when it comes to
the ire of Rep. Sally Kern, R-Oklahoma City. Her House Bill 1551 would
have encouraged teachers to poke holes into such “controversial”
science-based gibberish
. In true Darwinian fashion, the bill ended up
being devoured by reason.

Not one to be discouraged, Kern also introduced legislation to prohibit
state courts from basing decisions on foreign laws, including religious
law. Faster than you could say “Sharia law” — much less “alarmist” — HB
1552 failed in a Senate vote.

In a move certain to foil many a dystopian sci-fi movie plot, Sen.
Anthony Sykes, R-Moore, successfully pushed a measure to bar cities and
states from confiscating guns during emergencies.

With wildfires having ravaged the state in recent weeks, you can at
least seek solace that, thanks to HB 2329 by Rep. James Lockhart,
D-Heavener, a convicted arsonist will never be able to be a firefighter.
We didn’t know that had to be spelled out, but, whew!

Hey! Read This:
• Best of OKC 2012 results
Lou Berney interview
Sally Kern loves Chick-fil-A  

Rod Lott

This article was written by the Oklahoma Gazette staff. To reach an editor, please email with this story headline in your subject line.

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