Something Big

Its unconventional, icky premise is that Baker really, really wants to get his hands on a Gatling gun, and black-market man Johnny Cobb (Albert Salmi, Caddyshack) really, really wants to get his hands on a woman, so Cobb proposes a trade: Bring him a woman, and he’ll give Baker a Gatling gun. See, it’s been years since Cobb has had sex, and his loins have hit a boiling point: “I can’t even remember what it’s like. … I wanna do it!”

Baker sure snatches a visually appealing one in Honor Blackman (Goldfinger‘s Pussy Galore), right off the stagecoach. Unlucky for him, however, she’s the wife of the cavalry colonel (Brian Keith, TV’s Family Affair). Uh-oh! This mess-up leads to a litany of double entendres. And also to a monk named Emilio Estevez.

The driving force behind the film is too rapey for comfort, so Something Big may not hit the funny bone, but it does have a spirited air of geniality … sex slavery aside, of course. Part of that is due to Burt Bacharach’s horn-heavy score and oft-repeated theme, which does not strike the right tone for the picture — and I say that as a huge Bacharach fan.

In the safety of their own home, viewers may wish to turn watching Something Big into a drinking game. Simply take a drink every time a character utters the phrase “big thing” or “something big.” You’ll match Dino’s blood-alcohol level in no time! —Rod Lott

Rod Lott

This material falls under the archives category because it was imported from our previous website. It will eventually be filtered into the proper category as time allows.

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