Who says alcohol can only be consumed in the evenings?

From left, Brandon Porter, Zak Corbett and Dustin Graeber, enjoy the afternoon drinking at Drunken Fry recently. (Mark Hancock)

From left, Brandon Porter, Zak Corbett and Dustin Graeber, enjoy the afternoon drinking at Drunken Fry recently. (Mark Hancock)

The goal is simple: Drink during the day. The rules: Don’t get sick. Don’t go broke. Don’t get arrested.

If you’re the kind of person who has a job, you’ll probably be doing this on a weekend. If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t have a job, you probably don’t need my advice on drinking during the day.

Your tolerances might vary, but mine does not. I am the father of two kids under the age of 4. I rarely drink, and I rarely sleep. When I do have the time to day drink, it is indeed very serious business. Here’s how to do it correctly:

1. Prep work

You will be drinking tomorrow, which means you will not be driving. Go ahead and sign up for UberOKC if you haven’t already. Download the app and get your $10 credit. (And enter in the numbers for some cab companies in your phone while you’re at it.)

A designated driver is not a bad idea, but he/she/it needs to understand this is an all-day job. You can buy all this person’s food and perhaps you can return the favor someday — unless you’re a selfish jerk, in which case just go with cabs.

2. Get your brunch on

If brunch were a person, it would be the patron saint of day-drinking. Go into a bar at 11 a.m. and it’s a little sad. Go into a brunch spot at 11 a.m. and you’re already behind. This is where you lay the groundwork for the rest of the day.

You and your group of four or five will order up a hearty breakfast and a stiff drink. You want eggs, bacon, ham, potatoes, cheese, toast, pancakes — stick- to-your-ribs, soak-up-the-booze meals. Most diners won’t serve you alcohol, so be prepared to spend a little more on breakfast and go to Picasso Cafe, 3009 Paseo St. (If you’re day drinking on Sunday, this is the place for you.); Deep Fork Grill, 5418 N. Western Ave.; Cheever’s Cafe, 2409 N. Hudson Ave.; or Whiskey Cake Kitchen & Bar, 1845 Northwest Expressway.

As for the drinks, I don’t care if it’s a bottomless mimosa brunch; you’re not trying to go home drunk by noon — you’re in this for the long haul, so only get two.

Relax, enjoy each other’s company and gradually tie one on.

Bartender Priscilla Angelico draws a Guinness for a lucky afternoon drinker, recently at VZD's.  (Mark Hancock)

Bartender Priscilla Angelico draws a Guinness for a lucky afternoon drinker, recently at VZD’s. (Mark Hancock)

3. Find a patio

Brunch is over and you’re feeling good. You should not be full-to-bursting with food, and the alcohol should provide you with that gentle humming sensation that lets you know you’re in an altered state.

What you need now is a little sunshine and another cocktail. If you didn’t start at Picasso’s, now’s a good time to go there. Or hit up The Wedge Pizzeria, 4709 N. Western Ave., or The Mule, 1630 N. Blackwelder Ave. Ideally, you’ll get in some people-watching with your continued liver-pickling.

Are you laughing a bit too loud? Good.

It’s all going according to plan. Get an appetizer or two for the table, but keep it light. Too much food and it’s nap time. Too little and your buzz will escalate to inebriation.

4. A short walk

If you’re lucky enough to be in Midtown, downtown or the Plaza District, you can get up and stroll to a nearby shop. Don’t buy anything, of course — nobody needs to carry a bag full of clothes while day-drinking. But the fresh air and exercise will be somewhat sobering before you up a touch at your next stop.

5. The bar

Congratulations! It’s far enough past noon that going to a bar seems jovial and not like the proof your relatives have been searching for to get your intervention underway.

It also probably isn’t packed yet, so you can grab a table and start drinking beer.

Unlike the restaurants, the bar isn’t in a hurry for you to leave, as long as you behave yourself — which means walking that thin line of 1) not getting hammered and 2) still drinking. Probably best that you switch to beer at this point.

This was your idea, so you buy the first bucket of suds. Everybody takes turns after that. Snacks are fine, but don’t eat anything heavy. That comes a bit later.

Edna’s, 5137 N. Classen Circle, or the Hi-Lo Club, 1221 NW 50th St., are obvious choices here, but you might also enjoy VZD’s Restaurant & Club, 4200 N. Western Ave.; 51st Street Speakeasy, 1114 NW 51st St.; or one of the myriad sports bars dotting the city (The Dugout Bar & Grill, 10909 N. May Ave.; Republic Gastropub, 5830 N. Classen Blvd.; or Cousin’s Bar & Grill, 6509 N. May Ave.). Entertainment is key to keeping your group together or even adding to it. A TV is fine, and a jukebox is better.

6. Home again, home again

You might have been to a couple of bars today. You definitely used up all of your Uber credit and probably your friends’ patience. It was fun, but now it’s time for that fun to wind down.

Bid your friends adieu. Some will decide to keep drinking and go ahead and cross the line into drunkenness. Poor Stacy. You know better. You’re going home — with one quick stop on the way. Remember how you skipped lunch? You won’t skip dinner.

Stop somewhere with food that is good but not particularly healthy: a Mother Tucker from Tucker’s Onion Burgers, 324 NW 23rd St.; a bag full of enchiladas and Tacos Calvillo from Abel’s Mexican Restaurant, 5822 NW 50th St.; or a pile of barbecue from Back Door BBQ, 315 NW 23rd St., Bedlam Bar-B-Q, 610 NE 50th St., or Steve’s Rib, 7202 W. Hefner Road.

If your ride just wants to get you home, get a pizza delivery to meet you there.

Get out a giant travel mug and fill it with cold water. Crack open that bottle of extra-strength Tylenol and swallow two or three. Eat your food, drink your water and watch something dumb and fun on Netflix until you are full and sleepy — it shouldn’t take long.

The day is over. You won. Tomorrow, you go back to real life, hopefully sans hangover.

Oh, and ignore your phone. You’re not going out again. Sleep the sleep of the dead, day-drinker, and dream of the next time you’ll have this much fun.

Print headline:

Afternoon delights

Who says alcohol can only be consumed in the evenings?

Greg Elwell

This article was written by an Oklahoma Gazette contributor. To reach an editor, please email jchancellor@okgazette.com with this story's headline in your subject line.

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