Despite being carb sticks bathed in fat and salt, french fries are surprisingly dainty little things: thin, crisp, dipped in fancy catsup, like theyre the Queen of England. But across the metro, freedom fighters are taking it to their fries with heavy artillery, slathering them in sauces galore and turning finger food into fork food ... if youre fancy.
by Greg Elwell,
photos by Garett Fisbeck and Mark Hancock
Slaughters Hall
221 N. Central Ave.
606-6063
Founded by Sgt. Slaughter (Editors note: No, it wasnt.), Slaughters Hall used to be a mess hall for G.I. Joes (Editors note: It was a famous jazz venue.), and its still making America proud (Editors note: Ill let this one slide.) with its 2nd St. Poutine: beer-battered fries, pastrami and locally made cheese curds doused in country gravy. Its a meal disguised as an appetizer and a reminder of when we beat Canada in WWII. (Editors note: LOL.)
Guyutes
730 NW 23rd St.
702-6960
According to people who like music, the Tequila SunFryz at Guyutes are named for some kind of song or band or something. It doesnt matter. You could be Bizzaro Jerry Garcia and these would still be the best things you put in your face all day. A big batch of golden waffle fries with pulled pork, queso, jalapeño, tomatoes, onions and cilantro crema on top, crowned with a sunny-side-up egg. Your stomach will say, [insert phrase heard at Phish concert here]!
Akropolis
1809 S. Air Depot Blvd. 733-1323
The makers of ketchup would like to apologize for not knowing that tzatziki sauce was a thing when they decided on their red, tomato-y, vinegar and sugar ooze. That error has been remedied by Akropolis and its Bomber Fries: a big basket of fries covered in spicy Greek yogurt sauce and feta cheese. Its like My Big Fat Greek Wedding if it was edible and went well with a large cola.
Irmas Burger Shack
1035 NW 63rd St.
840-4762
The secret origin story of White Trash Nachos is one of my favorite tales of Irmas Burger Shack. Apparently, the staff were broke and wanted Mexican food, but they couldnt leave the restaurant. So they improvised this mélange of french fries, beans, cheese, grilled chicken, tomato, sour cream, onions and jalapeños to sate their desires until they could get to some enchiladas. The result: pure, delicious genius.
Toby Keiths I Love This Bar & Grill
310 Johnny Bench Drive
231-0254
Why does Toby Keiths still call them freedom fries? Its not 2003 anymore. Besides, if you order the cheese fries at this Bricktown eatery, theyre really not free. The poor fries are smothered with jack and cheddar cheeses and then trapped under bacon, caged by sour cream and shackled by a sprinkling of green onions. The only way to set them free is to help them embrace oblivion inside your stomach, you patriot.
The Drum Room
4309 N. Western Ave.
604-0990
Maybe they call it The Horseshoe because youre testing your luck. Sure, one of The Drum Rooms thick waffles, covered in a one-third-pound burger (or some fried chicken, as we ordered it), steak fries, cheese and gravy sounds like youve hit the jackpot. But maybe its better to share the luck, because this is a massive pile of food. Perhaps if youre as hungry as a horse, you can finish it all, but no one expects you to run the derby after all that.
Blus Bar-B-Q & Burgers
612 N. Robinson Ave.
602-2587
Gather round the campfire, pardners, and Ill tell you the tale of The Smoked Haystack. Twas a night much like this one, when the sun was shining and people were in offices daytime when I wandered into Blus and saw the most frightenin sight I ever done saw. The fries were stacked high and covered in brisket, beans, jalapeños, onions and cheese. I done ate that mess, but I forgot my heartburn medication. It was harrowin.