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Drive-through hand jive


Cover your eyes, kids!

Gazette staff April 6th, 2011

When we here at CFN hear about Tulsa’s Fox 23 passing along warnings from Tulsa police about sexual deviants, we hearken back to reports of last year’s Pedobear scare, in which parents were warned to protect youngsters from a child-molesting teddy bear, which started as an Internet meme and was reportedly sighted at Comic-Con in San Diego.

However, the latest dispatch from the Fox affiliate up the turnpike has video evidence to back up its story.

While this report doesn’t involve child molestation, it seems a man arrived at an east Tulsa Sonic one night in early March with a hankering for more than a cherry limeade.

With what appeared to be only a little shame in his game, the suspect, dressed in basketball shorts, walked up to the drive-through window, allegedly whipped out the ol’ cheese coney and began to shake hands with beef.

The whole thing was caught on a security camera with the naughty bits blurred out, so viewers can’t tell if it’s a plump coney or juicy footlong.

And did we mention the suspect stood within view of the camera, peeling the tater tot, for a full eight minutes before leaving? No one should have to wait that long for service.

Our guess is that he was not auditioning to be featured in the next Sonic commercial. Or maybe he was, and merely thought the next commercial was being directed by David Lynch.

Apparently, there was a worker who the suspect was watching as he, dropping the euphemisms, masturbated in a foul and bizarre manner on the other side of the drive-through window.

The employee, understandably, did not want to go on camera in the Fox 23 report, but the news team assured us that the she and the police were both deeply incensed.

Eight minutes of fondling outside a well-lit Sonic Drive-In and no other reported witnesses, other than the traumatized employee? Maybe Tulsans just really zone in on their fast food. After all, the city is home of the Chicken Hut: chicken so tasty, patrons stepped over a shooting victim to get it last year.

 
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