Hey, Charlie Sheen’s currently on tour! Didja snag a shirt?

Actually, I have no idea if he’s selling them, but given the actor’s mammoth appetite for nose candy, I’m betting there are, plus hats and thongs and baby bibs and merkins. 

If he’s not coming to your town — and if you have of-age, easily impressionable daughters, thank your lucky stars he’s not — you can still get your Sheen on, courtesy of a new line of legit tees from ROCKWORLDEAST. (Yeah, that’s the official company name, in all caps, somewhat akin to your dad bursting in your room for the fourth time and yelling at you to get your ass outta bed, you lazy slug.)

From tiger blood and Adonis DNA to Sober Valley Lodge, you can take your pick among a select mix of Sheen’s recent crazy-talk catchphrases to adorn your chest. We checked out two, both emblazoned with the former “Two and a Half Men” star’s mug: One was titled with the simple, straightfoward credo of “WINNING”; the other, decidedly more bold, with “FUCKING BRILLIANT!,” made all the more powerful with the image of a Sheen fist pump.

The only bad thing about both these designs is that they’re only available in black. Although Wesley Snipes forever won my moviegoer heart by warning his enemy, “Always bet on black!” in “Passenger 57,” that’s a color that just doesn’t jive with my “winning,” guy-next-door personality. To put it another way, I’ve never bought a thing at Hot Topic. Plus, black soaks up the sun like Sheen does booger sugar, and with Oklahoma summers being what they are, that’s a recipe for unconsciousness.

I took home the “WINNING” one to my teenage son, who found it cool. (Not that he actually spoke to me to express, y’know, something resembling actual human emotion — I just know he found it cool because he immediately whipped out his phone to snap a photo, which he then uploaded to Facebook.)

I overheard him ask his mom, “Hey, what’s the deal with Charlie Sheen, anyway?” which makes me kinda proud. (But note to self: Dig out my “Hot Shots!” and “Hot Shots! Part Deux” DVDs to prove to him that Charlie used to deliver punch lines, as opposed to living them.)

Not wishing to be divorced, I chose to leave the “FUCKING BRILLIANT!” shirt at work, where our photographer Mark admired it — so lovingly, in fact, that I allowed him to keep it.

“This will be great to mow the yard in,” he said.

Effing brilliant, I think. —Rod Lott